My Story: The Meaning of Discipline

When I first started parenting, I felt  was in uncharted waters. Not only had I never had my own kids before, I had definite ideas of how I wanted to parent that were very different than what  saw a lot of around me. As I went throught those first few years, I swung like a pendulum, from permissive, to authoritative and overbearing. I could never feel secure about what I was doing and Though I could see my goal, my perfect picture, I couldn’t see the road to get there.

I loved parenting books and read several trying to find my guiding style. I first had the opportunity to look into love and logic. I took classes, and started implementing it with my 18 month old daughter.  I can say this, it definetly brought results! Ones I wasn’t sure I liked. I still wasn’t the mom I wanted to be. I Found myself spending too much time thinking of consequences, and then not wanting to follw through on those consequences because they felt unfair to me! I kept at it, thinking it was the only way to discipline without spanking. When my daughter was four years old she didn’t like me. She didn’t even acknowledge when I said her name. And she certainly wouldn’t do anything for me.  I realized it was time to throw out the idea of discipline and go to reaching her heart once more. I didn’t even ask her for anything, I just filled her poor, empty, dry, little cup. Within a month or two she started responding to me again, and even doing things I asked.

I am not saying Love and Logic is bad, I am saying for me, the way I was using it, was. I manipulated my little girl in the name of discipline until she was so hurt that she wouldn’t even listen to me.

I looked for something else. I admired my friend’s children’s behavior, and talked to her.  She spanked. I felt torn. I knew I didn’t want to spank, but I wanted kids that obeyed like hers did. I finally decided to give it a try. I read the books she handed me and dove in. It was wonderful!…… for the first few months. The kids obeyed, I hardly ever had to spank. It did help me feel a little more empowered as a mom, which I needed at the time. But I still didn’t like the mom I was. And it only got worse.  I realized I couldn’t spank anymore when I would feel calm at the beginning of the spanking only to lose control during it, and hate myself after.

So I threw all ideas of discipline out. I prayed, which I should’ve done more of before. I decided that the most important thing  was to keep my Heavenly Father’s Spirit with me. So anything that didn’t produce His fruits (love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperence) wasn’t ok anymore.  I didn’t let myself get caught into anymore books to read but I prayed to find the path I still knew was hiding somewhere. I was determined to find it even if I had to pave it.

I began to study the meaning of discipline. I found that it came from the latin word disciplus  which meant ” to teach”.  A disciple was a willing convert. How I wanted my children to become willing followers! But I needed to take the time to convert them. And how do I do that effectively?

Next I thought about this “rod” spoken of in Proverbs. I felt there was more to it than just a stick. I felt it was reasonable to asssume it was talking about a shepherds rod, and imagined a shepherd with his sheep. Now, a shepherd does not hit the sheep with his rod, or they learn to run away from him. (Could that apply to children as well?)  They only use their rod to guide the sheep. I was liking this train of thought,and wondered what else the shepherd uses the rod for. I imagined a shepherd walking up a steep mountain, using his rod for stability and strength.

“So the shepherd also uses the rod for himself!” I thought. Thats when I realized the rod was talking about the Word of God. It felt like an major epiphany, and I was excited. If I took the true meaning of discipline and put it next to this I got “Discipline is to teach the Word of God.” What a statement! It completely changed how I looked at discipline. It is not about making a child suffer so they “won’t do it again.” It lined up perfectly with everything I had learned.

About the same time I started homeschooling. I felt it was not for the education, but that it was very important to keep my kids close to me. When I heard the term “attatchment parenting”, I decided that was worth looking into, as it was what I was after, right? I prayed about what book to buy to learn from and decided on Attached at the Heart Publisher: iUniverse Star. I related to every principle in this book and wanted to know more. It mentioned Positive Discipline as a way to discipline the children in a way to preserve that connection, and it gave some principles as guidelines. I needed more, I knew. So I prayed to find more material on it. Within the next two weeks sometime I went to a booksale of discarded books. There on the table was the a book titled Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills. It was the best fifty cents I ever spent. This gave me a starting place. It put into wordsw every goal I had made for myself and it gave me a pathway to get there. I suddenly felt I really could be the mother I wanted to be! It wasn’t just a vain hope. I kept looking for supporting information and came across If I Have to Tell You One More Time...: The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids To Listen Without Nagging, Remindi ng, or Yelling. This held a plan on how to apply the information without being overwhelmed. It helped so much in making a huge change in how I responded to situations and in the atmosphere in our home. I was finally training myself to be the mom I saw in myself! I am far from perfect, and so are my kids, but I have so many more tools now. And just as with physical work, and the tools that make it easier, I feel these tools have encouraged me and made my job more enjoyable. I hope you too can find more tools to help in your Daily Life!!

Parent book list!

Hey there!

Today I am going to give a review on the best parenting books I have read. Hopefully it willl give you something to go off and make your own reading list for the summer! (Quick tip: if you want your kids to read through the summer, and read for enjoyment, model it! Read quietly to your self and let them see!)

Note: Please use the links I provide as they will help support the Daily Life Mom!

:This is a great study into attachment parenting principles.  This was the first book I bought and read on this subject. It is very good. It is filled with scientific research as well as real life examples. It is well thought out and well written. It goes over the eight principles for raising children in an attached manner, and why those principles are so important.  This book also gave me other titles to begin my study on positive discipline and attachment parenting.

  This was the second awesome book I read on this subject. See, in Attached at the Heart: Eight Proven Parenting Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children; they mentioned positive disipline as number seven of the attachement principles.  They gave an outline of what positive discipline is, but i needed examples.  I needed instructions! Only a couple weeks later I found this book at a book sale. It was the answer to my prayers!  I thoroughly enjoyed it, and it gave me everything I needed to start implementing it into our lives.  My favorite quote from this book is “Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, we must first make them feel worse?”

This book helped me organize my thoughts on how to use and implement positive discipline.  Amy McCreedy gives a good step-by-step way of changing how you parent.  After all we all change only a step at a time! I really loved how in her steps “Logical consequences” was number 11!  There is so much you can do instead of an imposed consequence.  She also has a parenting style quiz to help you pin point where your strengths and weaknesses are.  It is full of strategies and examples as well as explanations of the principles.

This book I read only recently.  But I really enjoyed it! It is a great one to read with our partner because she gives a list of questions at the end of every chapter to discuss and get to know each other better as well as understand why we parent the way we do.  It isn’t a book of strategies, more of how to change your parenting paradigm.  It has a lot of personal growth challenges in it.  It was well worth the reading!  Especially if you are having a hard time knowing where to start changing your thinking.  if you find yourself constantly falling into the same holes, this book can help you understand why, and how to avoid them better.  This is a great resource!!

I hope you have found a gem or two on this list!  Good luck on finding time to read in your Daily Life! 

Why do kids test us?

At some point pretty much every parent wonders why kids test us and “push
our buttons”. Why, when they know it brings out the worst in us? Have you ever noticed they test more when we are busy? Or why when sometimes we have made a concentrated effort to change how we respond to them, for example, trying not to yell, or trying to exercise patience, do they seem to purposely try to push us to our limit? So why when we are trying to be better don’t they try to be better too? Don’t they appreciate us trying? Or do they just like being yelled at? Do they like to see us so angry that we lose our self control and become a scary monster to them? Well maybe. I have watched kids push buttons and have felt my own have pushed mine. Based off my observations and some insight from my own childhood memories, I have come to a few conclusions. I wanted to share them here with you today.
First, kids don’t really like to see us angry. Their behavior is actually a cry for help. Often they act out when we are busy because they want to know if we care about them. They wonder if what we are working on is more important than they are. Therefore they “test” us to see if they matter to us in that busy moment. They are looking for security. Yes, it is terrible timing. We wish they could just “be good” until we are done. And truth is they can be! Just a patient answer and a little love can go a long way in those tense moments.
Now, please remember I am sharing this not to make you feel guilty in any way! I just wanted to share my insights to possibly help someone who may be at their wit’s end to understand their children and know they are not a bad parent.
Next, if children are used to us reacting in a certain way, they feel a little insecure if we start to be patient with them. Odd, isn’t it? But don’t stop trying! Try to understand that our old reactions always left them with a bad feeling, like maybe that they were bad kids. They have sort of figured out how to cope with that feeling by shutting off a part of themselves, at least from us. So when we start to be more patient, or thoughtful toward them, they wonder if they can trust us. Are we still that person who is going to make them feel bad? Or are we trustworthy now? So guess what? That’s right, they test us. They push us as far as they can to see if we will turn back into our old selves. If we do, we prove them right, that we are not worthy of their trust, and they continue to shut themselves off from us. And then we parents wonder why, as teenagers, they don’t want to open up to us. Odd, isn’t it? But if we can understand, be strong, try harder and hold on, we may win their trust to a whole new level. So keep on keeping on! Once we have proven ourselves to them, and prove to them that they are worth it, the misbehavior mostly corrects itself. It wont be a battle forever. I’m not saying that they wont ever misbehave again (but wouldn’t that be nice!). I’m only saying that if we win their trust, they will have more of a tendency to trust that we have their best interest in mind. Therefore they listen more, take instruction better and come to us with problems and for support.
So in all our living of daily life, let’s remember that misbehavior has reasons. Keep looking for the reason behind it! Good Luck!

One day with a “soft voice”

Proverbs 15:1 tells us that a “soft answer turneth away wrath.” It always made sense to me that if you answer softly you wont provoke your opposition to be more angry than they already are, but I never thought it might also be talking about your own wrath.

As I sat contemplating one day, about how to make the atmosphere in our home more peaceful, I thought about that verse.  I decided to try it, and see how much it would turn the “wrath” out. So for one day i made it my number one priority to use almost a whisper at all times.  No yelling through the house for my children to come, no sharp reprimand, no getting louder to be heard over the crying.  I would never have guessed what i learned in that one day.
The first thing I noticed was that the house was quieter altogether.  I could hear contentment I hadn’t heard before.  I heard more laughter, more happiness and joy than on a normal day.  Was it there, and I had never been quiet enough  to hear it before?

Next I noticed how I felt. I felt less stressed. I felt I had more energy for connecting and caring. In fact I felt more connected and full of compassion all the way around! When the kids had a problem I felt I had time to listen and care. When I needed  their attention, I approached them rather than call them, and put my hand on their shoulder or back before I whispered in their ear. As a result, they were very responsive and obedient.   When things did get loud, I kept my voice the same or even more quiet.  And, as if miracles would never cease, the loud got quiet so they could hear what I was saying!  I even had the toddlers stop crying so they could hear me!

I felt more happiness in that one day than a normal day. Was it there all along and I just never could hear it because I was too loud? Or was it just a “good day”? I might not ever know, but needless to say, using a quiet voice is definitely my goal now. I am far from perfect at it, and I don’t always experience such benefits as that day, but I believe its worth working for in my daily life!

Gratitude in Everything

Have you ever had a day when it seems like the world is against you? Or worse, like the Lord is out to test your endurance?  Who hasn’t, right?  Today is one of those days for me. I went to bed late because I have a love of waking up to a relatively  clean house, and got  up early…..  again. So to say the least I woke up grumpy. I promised myself a nap, a luxury I didn’t let myself get yesterday.  I did school faithfully with the kids, and slowly we got ready for a quiet time. So slowly.  My baby (22 months) was obviously not as ready for a nap as I was, so I decided to take her on a short drive to lull her to sleep. It worked! I carefully carried her in the house and laid her on my bed. Then I changed a batch of laundry out so it would wash while I slept. As I came back in my room baby started coughing.  She doesn’t have a cough, so I thought it would pass, but evidently the cold air outside had triggered her. She coughed until she threw up…… all over my pillows. And of course that woke her up.  To make absolutely sure that she was awake for good, my daughter came in at that moment to ask me something.  And then Baby Girl got off my bed leaving my with a mess to clean up and no hope of a nap.

As I cleaned, I felt rather sorry for myself, and very out of control of being able to  take care of myself and be happy.  Suddenly I was reminded of a lesson I ran into a few days ago that I thought I would pass on. Gratitude in everything, even and especially hard things.  So I began to feel hopeful again.  I decided if I couldn’t have a nap, I wanted to talk to someone. I decided to call my Grandma, someone I cherish in my life.  I did and it turned out to be a blessing for her too. It cheered me up, as well as her.  None of which would have been accomplished if  I had continued to feel sorry for myself.

I hope I can remember to apply this lesson more times, as my children will see it and learn gratitude from my actions.  Yes I know I am basically wishing for more days that don’t go right. But really, does any day go “right” when you have kids?